commanderAIK

So I'm giving fan fiction a try

Recommended Posts

For those of you who know Dragon Ball Z, this is about Tien and Chiaotzu. It takes place right after Trunks warns the Z Fighters about the upcoming android attack in three years.

 

For those of you who come across this and don't know much about Dragon Ball Z, this story is about two friends who express their worry for each other. I examine their internal conflicts and moral dilemmas in twenty chapters or so. It's not out yet, but it will be soon and I'm currently finishing it up. Here is an excerpt. It's not finalized, as I may revise some of this. Let me know what you guys think! I hope I gave you guys a lot of suspense.

 

Chiaotzu quietly closed the door behind him, but before either of them could turn on the lights, they heard a soft noise. The noise almost fell on deaf ears, but both heard it.

 

“Tien! Did you…”

 

“Shh!”

 

A five second window of severe silence filled the house. None of them made a sound.

 

And suddenly a loud, popping crack could be heard, coming from behind the house. Chiaotzu gasped, startled, but he knew better not to make a noise.

 

Tien, what was that?

 

Tien’s head turned to the closest window to look out of it. Nothing.

 

I don’t know, Chiaotzu. I’m going to check it out. Stay here.

 

Please be careful, Tien. Tien heard the dreadful fear in Chiaotzu’s own mind. Knowing that, it was hard for him to stay calm.

 

So Tien was tasked with quitely, and therefore, slowly, going outside to scan the perimeter of the house to find the source of the two noises. As he finally finished turning the knob and opening the door to walk out. He left Chiaotzu with one last message.

 

Don’t turn on any lights, and close the door quietly behind me.

 

Chiaotzu let out a quiet whimper of fear. Okay.

 

He saw Tien become swallowed by the darkness of their shelter’s outskirts.

 

There are no words to describe how uncomfortable it was for Chiaotzu to stand in this black room with no knowledge of exactly what had happened, or what was happening. He didn’t dare communicate to Tien again, for fear of startling him and causing him to make a noise, possibly alerting whatever might be hiding in the shadows. Otherwise, they hadn’t even gotten to searching the entirety of the house. For all Chiaotzu knew, there was something in his bed. He heard his own breathing, and consequently, his heart rate rose. The periodic thumping exacerbated his situation.

 

It rose to an inhuman level when he heard footsteps, getting louder and louder. This is it, he thought. It’s either Tien or...oh please, let it be Tien!

 

The footsteps stopped and he started to hear the doorknob turn. His heart was racing. Before the door opened, he was spared.

 

Chiaotzu, it’s me. Don’t worry, I’m fine.

 

Tien’s voice startled him, and he jumped back, so far that he hit his head on the wooden rocking chair behind him. As he felt slight, but bearable pain, he let out a sigh of drastic relief.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bit offtopic:

I was a big Dragon Ball Z fan, but they showed the same bunch of episodes three years in a row (and I watched them each year) but I started losing interest as I started watching the series on my own through the wonderful thing called internet.

I think they would build up to the point where they have to face Freiza (sp.) for the first time but not show it, and go back to episode 1. It really sucked, but they didn't buy the rights and took us for a ride for many years. Just did a quick Google...seems they are still being dicks about it. :P

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I like it! I don't really read Fan Fiction so I'm judging this by the standards of the books I read (more "intellectual" books), and I don't know jack about Dragonball Z. Other than some sentence structure changes which I would make if I was your editor, I think this was a well written passage. Obviously, it lacks context so I had trouble picturing the scene, but as a longer story, I'm sure it could work very well. 

I'll be very happy to give sentence structure and grammatical advice if you want any :) 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Mecmax said:

I like it! I don't really read Fan Fiction so I'm judging this by the standards of the books I read (more "intellectual" books), and I don't know jack about Dragonball Z. Other than some sentence structure changes which I would make if I was your editor, I think this was a well written passage. Obviously, it lacks context so I had trouble picturing the scene, but as a longer story, I'm sure it could work very well. 

I'll be very happy to give sentence structure and grammatical advice if you want any :) 

Thanks for the feedback. If you ever did decide to give the whole thing a read, I'm sure context wouldn't be an issue.

This is my first time actually writing something this long. What did you have in mind for sentence structure?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...